The Mary Sue Patrol
by Snape Is My Husband
Summary: The Mary Sue Patrol brings you the best of summaries and direct quotes from some of the most hilarious and brainmelting stories on fanfiction. I will deliver you the worst of Harry's twin,Malfoy's secret sister,Transfer students and more.Flames plz!
1. Her eyes were filled with sorrow

Welcome to the Mary Sue Patrol.

Here I will bring you the best of transfer students, Harry's twin, Malfoy's secret sister, abused girls with coloured hair and striking beauty and unusual names.

Here is where I cut the crap and show the absolute horror and extreme hilarity of some of the stories infesting Harry Potter FanFiction.

Flames are extremely welcome.

Enjoy.

11/10/2010

**The Tale of Civia Potter by **

Direct Quotes-_ Civia Potter—the heir of the Potter family, aunt of the Boy Who Lived, member of the Order of the Phoenix, and one of the best Potions Masters or Mistresses alive._

_The door opened, and a woman stepped into the office. Had it been during the school year, one might think her to be a student, perhaps as young as third year. The young woman was barely five feet tall, but it complemented her petite frame. She was slim, with tiny features—nearly bony wrists, slim, delicate but precise hands, a slight waist, round hips, and a modest, but suitable, bosom. Messy, jet black curls, which had escaped the plait down her back, framed a thin face, which emphasized sharp, high cheekbones and small, straight nose._

_Hidden behind slim, rectangular glasses, which looked as if they belonged to a librarian, were a pair of piercing, keenly intelligent lavender eyes—the same color as wisteria flowers._

_She was youthful—both in looks and age, but more so in looks. Although thirty-six, the woman retained a youthful look which belonged in the face of a student, instead of one who had graduated nearly a score of years ago, despite the somber look to her eyes—eyes like she had seen and experienced too much—eyes of someone haunted by their past._

Lavender eyes? I wonder which gene pool she was from?

Moving on…

**No Way Out by livelifetothefullest4e**

_Sixteen year old Larisa Helena Rei lay motionless on her bed, staring up at the ceiling with a blank expression. Her long white hair with a black streak in the bangs was tied into a ponytail and pulled off to the side so it draped over her right shoulder. Her mismatched eyes, a blue left eye, and a red right eye with a slash over it, were both misty, yet devoid of any emotion. Slowly, she reached up to brush a loose hair out of her face. Her left sleeve fell slightly as she rose her arm, revealing the Dark Mark branded on her arm. She kept her eyes off of it as she lowered her arm back to her side, then continued to stare up at the ceiling._

Once again a strange genetic abnormality…

**Mysterious Last Name by Leanora**

**Summary- **_A girl with long, black hair with blond-white streaks in it is attending Hogwarts. She goes by the name of Lyra M. But who is she exactly? And what secrets is she hiding?_

I can't even be bothered to read the first chapter…

**The Purple Butterfly by QueenOfSparrabeth**

**Summary-**_Kat is __**beautiful**__, smart, and __**talented**__, but can she find true __**love**__? Written by ThatCTYgirl, QueenOfSparrabeth, QuietInsomniac, Mr. Doctor Evil Mark, and Nigel._

Now I went to read the chapter and realised with relief that this story was actually a mary sue parody! Yays!

Read- _Crystal Butterfly Saphire Darknes Destini Hope Angel Katrina was a vampire/princess/pirate/demon/ninja/alien/wizard, and she was more bauetiful then anyon in teh hole universe. Her hairwas naturaly blue,and it was as purty as teh oshun. Her eyes were emehrald green, but they changed colors accordin too her mood. When she was angary they were red like rubyz. When she was sadd they were blu like saphirez. When she was hapy they turnd all teh colors of teh rainbow!1! She was very skinny, but had curvs in all teh write places. She stil had som scarz from when she was abused as a young grl sometimes she cutt herself but the cuts heel rly fast bcuz she is magik. When she cries, she cries sparkly crystal tears. She usually wore one of her thousands of dresses, but secretly underneath she wore skinny jeans and a my chemical romance teeshirt (authors note: MCR 4eva!1). one day she decided to go to the galactic space mall, where she saw Edwurd Cullin and Hary Pooter. They were both in lurve wit her bcuz she was so bootiful. But she cant deside witch one she luvs more. Harry potre falls down on one nee and said "Kristal Buterfli Sapire Darknex Destiny Hop Angel Katrina u r so fing beuatiful." Crystal Butterfli Sapphyre Darknexx destiny Hope Angel Katrina sayed "call me cat. You guyz r both so hawtt I lov yous. Edword said Kat mary me!1!" and then Harri says NO! she is mine I luv her!111!1_

Please go and read the rest, it truly is a work of art.

I went on search and typed in "Beauty" and "Talents", and searched for summaries containing these words.

**BOOK3: Julia by Marj123 Summary- **Harry's daughter, Julia, was **beautiful**, highly intelligent, and very **talented**. She also had a desire for power over others.

**Defenses by SeaSparrow Summary-**There is a new Defense against the Dark Arts teacher. She's **beautiful**, and the most **talented** Auror of the century. Harry and Ron are crazy for her. Hermione and Ginny are jealous and play matchmaker: Setting her up with Severus Snape.

**MarySue comes to Hogwarts by Rinnington Summary-**What happens when the most **beautiful**, intelligent, and **talented** American Exchange student turns out to be Harry's long lost twin? He wants her dead, of course

**Harry Potter and the Seer by mleegirl42 Summary-**Harry Potter meets a new Hogwarts student after his 5th year who is hiding a secret about her past. Extremely **beautiful**, she has more **talents** then most, but things happen that raise the question Is she really a friend or foe.

**Love,Life and Death by Linkin4life Summary-**James didn't fall for Lily, instead he fell for her best friend the most **beautiful**, smart, **talented** witch, Ruby Oakley, it's a shame she hates him. From the start of their lives at Hogwarts to their last year to grown up with danger around every corner.

That's All for today folks! I hope you enjoyed! All of the stories mentioned can be found FanfictionDOTnet

Reviews are welcomed, especially flames.


	2. We all wish Enoby wasn't Immortal

Welcome to the Mary Sue Patrol!

This is the My Immortal Special, here you will find the most funny/crazy/stupid/unbelievably stupid and just plain wrong quotes. So enjoy reading from the best/worst fanfiction ever written.

Here is the first few lines: _Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears _ **"limpid tears"? **

Moving on…

_I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie_

**I'm sure if Gerard Way found out he was related to a Mary Sue he'd die of shame. **

_Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car_.

**Yeah, because not only does Malfoy despise muggles, he also owns a muggle car, which can conveniently fly. **

_And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time._

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was….Dumbledore!

**Did anyone not die of laughter when they read this? I mean the awful sex scene, the dreadful orgasm and then Dumbledore dropped the F-bomb!**

**How could anyone flame this work of art?**

"_You ludacris fools!" he shouted._

**Hehehehehe**

"_Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall._

**Mediocre? Come on, Mcgonagall it was their **_**first time.**_

_We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)_

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire!

**Oh the drama of the teenage life.**

**Sighs…**

"_Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped._

**CROOKSHANKS! WTF? **

_Voldemort gave me a gun. "No! Please!" I begged._

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. "I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly. "And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

**Voldemort gave her a gun? Um...what happened to his wand? And since when does his speak Olde English?**

_Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks._

**By far one of the most hilarious parts in the story! Snap? Masticating (means chewing BTW) Loopin? Oh god, I nearly died.**

"_STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor McGoggle who was watching us and so was everyone else._

**No words are needed…**

_Gerard looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. Even Draco thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection_

_We gasped. It wasn't them at all. It was.,….. Volsemort and da Death Dealers!_

**Death Dealers? Makes sense I guess. **

_Sudenly a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick. He had lung black hair and a looong black bread. He wus werring a blak robe dat sed 'avril lavigne' on da back. He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away. It was…DUMBLYDORE!_

**So, Dumbledore likes Avril Lavigne? Who knew things were so Complicated? (giiddditt? Complicateddd? Fukk u avril!)**

_"No, actshelly (geddit, hell) kan I plz burrow sum condemns." he growld angrily._

"Yah, so u can fuk ur six-yr-old gurlfriend, huh?" I shouted sarkastikally.

"Fuker." He said, gong away.

Well anyway, I put on some black eyesharow, black eyeliner, and some black lipstick and white foundation. Then I went. Den I gasped….Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching!1

"Oh my god you ludacris idiot!" they both shooted angrily when they saw me. Dobby ran away crying. Dey got up, though. Normally I wood have ben turned on (I luv cing guyz do it) but both of them were fuking preps. (btw snake is movd 2 griffindoor now)

"WTF is that why u wanted condoms?" I asked sadistically. (c I speld dat)

"Only you wouldn't give them to me!" Lumpkin shouted angrily.

"Well you shoulda told me." I replayed.

**Hahhahhaha. VOMIT hahahahaha VOMIT. **

**Repeat, and repeat again.**

**She should have given Lupin a condom, otherwise GASP! ..he might have gotten pregnant! **

**She gets turned on by male on male sex?**

**Um….**

**VOMIT. **

Return for the next chapter were I shall bring you the best quotes from the second half of the story.

Now fuk off u Ludacris fools, u fuken prepz. No FLAMS jus fuk off


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